er, possibly..

I’m sitting here feeling a bit…. what’s the word… confused, with myself. Well, rather I guess you could say I feel a bit overwhelmed by change.  Things changing, growing, in ways I can only attempt to influence. I feel as though I’ve got little control. My hold on the reins has been loosened and what’s happening in the future is stray like the wind.  And on top of that I feel very unsettled.
I usually deal with my unsettlement and change by making *yet another* blog but this time I’ve decided I’ve got too many. If I want to change, perhaps I can just change the layout or the name.  So I began to conceptually think of the possibility of changing my URL to find that if I were to change it, this one would no longer be available for anyone to use and that’d be a pity. Not to mention, again with the change? How many blogs do I have now anyways…
Well, more than I’d like to admit.
It’s sinking in that in months’ time I’ll be going to school at SSU, moving into a dorm… taking classes…. lots of things will be changing. I might even be riding horses again. But that horrible feeling of everything I want in agility keeps coming back. I want to accomplish things. I want to do something. In agility. I don’t know how to explain this feeling in any way other than this… have you ever wanted something so badly that you were willing to do anything for it? That every day, and every night you dream about it, you think it, you see it in your mind and your heart and that’s what you want.
Go ahead, call me crazy. I know, with George, chances of us, as a team, getting anywhere are slim.
But don’t you dare try to hold me back.

And then there’s school. Education. Things that matter to human beings. Things that matter to getting anywhere in life. Things that I really need to work on. Agility with George won’t make me money, it’ll only make me lose money in expenses. I need to get my sights on the future. I know I need to prioritize. Because after school, I can still do agility. I know, George is probably going to retire soon after I turn eighteen and he turns ten. Sometimes I doubt he likes agility anyways, he only does it because he has fun playing with me. I know, I probably won’t be getting a puppy for a while…. no matter how I argue that I need one asap. I know. The future is coming fast, and if I’m not careful it’s going to sweep me off my feet.

And then I feel this weird sense of re-living my past.  Once I get back in the saddle again,  it’ll be weird… I’ll probably feel torn… because before Agility, there were horses…. and there was a point in my life where I could care less about what happened to me as long as I had horses. Then I had George, and Agility not too long after, it weaned me painfully away from my horses, though ever-present I began to develop a burning passion for the sport of Dog Agility, one that I almost think now has surpassed my obsession with show jumping / huntseat. And now, as I begin to write, and think this out…. I think, maybe, horses may come to my rescue the same way George did.  Maybe it’ll help me transition into college life, into my future life. Maybe.

Anyways, I know there are agility trials in Santa Rosa, if I begin to have withdrawals, I’m sure I can find a bus to take me there. Or something.  Something will work out.  Now all I have to do is get a life-sized version of one of my George doing agility pictures……

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