raw feeling

Pity is a feeling I despise. I don’t want people to pity me, to feel bad for me. I don’t want to feel bad for people… but I do.  So here I am, feeling raw, probably not a good time for writing.  But sometimes beautiful things come from sincere feeling.

I think, right now I relate my feelings as to being shot, three times in the chest.  I feel like I’ve got an open wound and it burning like fire.  The first shot hit me straight in the heart.  The second punctured a lung and the third was lodged in between my ribs.

I keep listening to the same three songs over, and over, and over.  Fast Car (Tracy Chapman), Do You Remember (Jack Johnson) and For A Dancer (Jackson Browne).  I don’t think I could feel more alone.  I know I’ve got family, friends, everyone who wants to support me, support each other but I don’t want pity.  I don’t want them to feel bad for me, for anyone.  I want to heal on my own, no matter how deformed I come out of it.  I know things will get better.

“Crying is the easy way out” (Jackson Browne, For a Dancer) and sometimes I wish I could cry… but I feel like my tears have been drained from my body.  I want to drive away, in a fast car, I want the wind to whip my hair back, a chilling breeze in my face, my fingers to tingle with the thrill. I want my heart to race, to see a new light.  It’s out there, I just have to find it.

I think I should make plans.  Reach out, be free.  Just a bit.  Maybe.

on another note, George is a pro at nosework.  Megan is healing, I should follow.

I miss my David, Kai and Uncle Joe…

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