it’s not enough to dream it

I want to do it.  Get out of this town, out of my element, show the world “what I’m made of.”  Be an athlete.  Compete in another country.  Be at a level of such unmatchable excellence, people stop and wonder how, or why… or simply smile with me.

  

go ahead, say it.  Dreamers get no where.  They sit, day dream, and with this kind of talk… I’m just talking.  There is nothing backing me up, no one backing me up and here I am.  Holding myself back.  To say you want something will not get you anywhere.  To sit, and dream and cry about your failures will only hurt you.

But to go out and do… that is what you need to do.

Somebody wise probably said, if you have a dream – go for it!  Don’t let anyone hold you back.  So I’m saying it and at the same time, I’m holding myself back. Talk about irony.

  

you’re looking at me dumbfounded, like I’m stupid.  Why.  Why would you hold yourself back.  If you want this so badly, why not go for it.  Start trying, push for it.  What BS excuse-reason are you going to give me why you can’t.  When everything else screams that you can.

You can do anything you set your mind to, he had said.  anything.  Anything is a broad word, but when he was talking, he did not speak so broadly.  Anything meant after college, after you’ve cried yourself to sleep because what you want more than life… is just a touch out of reach.  A breath too far.  Another missed opportunity.  You’re heart tells you not to give up, surely another chance will come.  The logical side of your mind tells you it’s gone, you’ve missed your chance, stop trying. But my logical mind is easily suppressed, for, my heart is strong.  Much stronger than logic could ever be.  The desire, the passion, the fire to achieve where I’d like to go won’t be put out by some logic that says you have too many set backs.

Don’t have time? make time.

Don’t have a teammate? find one.

It’s not up to anyone else to make this possible… but me.  And if they don’t believe in me, fine.  I believe in me… I believe that I can do this, and somehow, with some miracle, maybe I can.

  

I cried today, while watching the opening ceremony of the Olympics.  Tears of sadness or self loathing did not flow from my eyes, but in my heart.  Inside of me, I felt something tick – a sense of urgency to a well-fueled dream.  All I talked about was agility, agility this or that competing, trialing.  You would think that help me somehow, but no.  Instead I am alone, self-loathing and at the same time trying to motivate myself.  Try with George, learn with George, get your NAC and title George, prepare yourself for a puppy.  Decide on a breed, a breeder. Work towards the goal.  Compete more.  Try to work with Jake.  Figure *SOMETHING* out.

My heart is torn.  My best friend is in Oregon looking at breeders with her family and here I am.  Missing plans with friends for mine. Seeing people go for their dream, strive for it, with their family – everyone supporting them makes me feel weak and powerless.  Alone.  I know, the sacrifices I make for my family aren’t any big deal… they’re small, not like my Mom had to make for her’s… but at the same time, I wish I didn’t feel so alone.  I wish I could talk agility with my Mom or my Dad without getting an eye roll and some snide remark about how I couldn’t put agility first, or why don’t I talk about something else for a change.  I wish somehow, I could reason with them, make them feel how I feel.  Understand.

I better stop before this turns into a full-blown rant.

go for your dreams, don’t let anything hold you back like I am.

Maybe one day I will break free

  

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