Can I take a break… from life?

Let’s be real.  It’s the summer of twenty-thirteen and each summer, by the decree of the history of summers and vacation, *should* surpass the last. Come home, no school, freedom. Everything you could ever want.

and then you grow up.

The funny part is, I still think I’m a kid, but at the same time, I feel like an old woman.  An eighteen year old college kid who’s home for the summer, but also that great aunt who’s here to be appart of the family, helping out and such.  It’s half way through week three of being home and already it feels like I’ve been home for a month. Oh, wait. It’s been about a month.  Somehow, during this short period of time, I’ve been able to snag a job (working for my Dad’s corporation, does it count?), just about total my poor Jetta, watch my cousin graduate, ride horses and return to my social life. All without entirely dying.  But there are twelve more weeks until school starts.

Stop.

If life keeps flying like this I feel as though I may as well have a heart attack.  I want to slow down, cry a little, stop putting on that tough face and war paint (okay, make up).  I feel like I might be falling. My heart, might be breaking (I was in love with my car..) and this all may be some sort of strange neurotic dream. Perhaps a memory from long ago that I’m stuck in.  Is this all happening now?  It feels as though I haven’t stopped to blink, once.  No time spent looking back, reflecting and reassuring myself that it’ll be okay.

it just was.

The feeling of existence without cause, driving forward towards nothing, only time.  It makes life unnervingly questionable. For a while there, it felt as though I was approaching rock bottom (whatever that is) and reminded myself that the only way anywhere from here was up.  Bridesmaids quotes began to spew from my mouth and the movie became almost a nightly habit as all seasons of every show that I’d enjoyed watching had ended.  Worry began to consume me as I spent my days living by snapchat and text message. My phone seemed to be my life-line.  I’d call about riding, call about a car, spend every second that I wasn’t calling, working or looking up things, texting. My texts practically screamed help.  I had nothing to talk about, but everything to say.

And so it begins, the summer.  The summer of friends, and more goodbye’s.  June, marks the beginning of the next few excruciatingly long months. Billy will be gone (Afganistan, until September),  Hayden will be gone (San Diego, thankfully!).  It’s kind of hard to fathom, but mostly, I just want them to be safe.  Part of me wants to work on that best seller.  But the current looming fear is that I’ll fall into my endless cycle of  doing nothing.  Working, sleeping, waking up and working again.  That is, until school commences.  But in all of this, I will hope for, and plan for the best.  Reaching out, growing, perhaps going on hikes with Megan, agility trials, photo adventures with Sara and maybe more board game nights, midnight epic trips to Winco, and re-discovering that there *is* a nightlife on Tuesdays.

This will be summer.

4 thoughts on “Can I take a break… from life?

  1. Your posts are always so beautiful Nicole, love it as usual. I can certainly relate, it’s much better now but I felt the exact same way a little while ago. What helped the most for me was just making time for a few little things like long hikes, time with friends, an agility lesson…just random fun stuff that meant a lot to me. If life is grey and rushing towards empty matter, you have to add in your own splashes of color. Love your new blog format btw, it’s beautiful. Everything about it is beautiful. I become instantly happy and relaxed as soon as I start reading you’re posts. Hope you have a wonderful and blessed weekend!

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