have I lost the way?

I’ve been feeling more and more lost recently than ever before.  The direction in life seems clear but as I sit and type.  Study, outline and write countless essays – the more robotic I feel.  Riding is about improving.  Team is about people and work.  It’s about everything and everyone else.

Time passes and it feels absolute.  As if I’m going in circles, thankfully not a spiral.  There is no creative.  No art, nothing different, nothing new.  The same routine.  Wake up, class, cook, study, team. It’s boring.  Routine.  I don’t know what compels me to keep going on this pace but somehow I am.  And the semester is halfway over (already!)

I’m supposed to be writing an essay right now.  Actually, a term paper on theories.  Something inside of me stopped writing.  Any other day I wouldn’t have any problem, I’d lay it out in an outline form and type in the content where it should belong.  The words flowing from the tips of my fingertips but hardly my mind.

I am not here to be robotic.

Every bit of me aches for creativity, some kind of outlet.  I have my camera, pens, paper, my laptop, so many beautiful places and subjects – all of the tools I could possibly need – but I have no inspiration.  Only a method of practice and work.  It leaves a glum sort of boring order and consistency that is both manageable, and frustratingly easy to slip into.  Like making sure a door is closed when you leave the room.  A sort of habit that’s hard to break.

If there must be a silver lining, my grades are looking extremely good.

I mean, something must be working – I got over a hundred percent on a psychology midterm and one of the highest grades in the class on my comms midterm (I also thought I did poorly whilst taking those tests so it was a nice surprise..)  Alas, also, Thanksgiving is coming quickly and I will have time off to be creative.

Perhaps I’ll just have to settle for waiting.

Creativity will come.

On a very strange side note – the doodles in my notebook seem to object with this post entirely; they’re growing more elaborate and vibrant every day.

6 thoughts on “have I lost the way?

  1. All I have to say is NO FEAR, and also: you have not “lost the way”. YOU created the way, it is your way. You simply don’t rig the system to work in your favor. You OWN the system. So whatever is going on, you have the power to change that. Also good job on the grades.
    How I change things is I download a dev kit, (XCode) and taught myself how to program, that way I cannot complain about shitty design, poor functionality, or stuff like that. You could have chose the wrong way, easy option but you chose to go the hard way, the better option (I know I messed up the lyrics but oh well, it makes more sense). In addition to all of this the title, you have NOT lost the way. Has greed poisoned your soul? Is this what you want? After all we are watching a Master at work, and these anti-creative people have interfered for your affairs for the last time. Never sacrifice your lyrics or your flow(what makes you you). There is a time and place for EVERYTHING, so what the heck you yelling for? You rock, thanks for the jams they are awesome.

    Have an Awesome rest of the day!

    and yes, that is my line.

    • nice not blog “Mike” I don’t have time to learn how to program with XCode but maybe if I have time. you know. So many song lyrics from all different songs, you’re killing me. I’ve gotta get new music for you….
      you have an awesome rest of the day too
      thanks for the extra long, super thought out comment. miss you tons.

  2. Hey pirate!
    I understand feeling stuck in mindless, repetitive actions and to-do lists that repeat the moment you cross everything off.
    Please know that, while you may not feel inspired, your talent and hard work is currently inspiring others and you are unknowingly preparing yourself for inspirational moments to come.

    All that to say, I envy you right now. The last 10 months have been full of nothing short of life-changing, learning, and growing moments and I’m so full and weary I could break down. I long for a breath of monotony and to-do lists that mimic one another, just so I don’t have to tackle something new and adventurous.

    I’m not there yet, and I’m sure once I am I will write a blog post very similar to yours.

    Until then, inspired and envious,
    – Charlotte

    • Thank you very much. Perhaps we all need a break from the (occasional) madness of life and I’m just not embracing mine. Thank you again for your comment, your input does put a perspective on life’s twists and turns.

  3. A friend of mine once said – and it stuck with me – ‘I’m not lost, just in suspension’. I think that says a lot about how it feels when you’re studying, too. Hang in there (and nice work with your grades!).

    • That’s exactly how I feel! Your friend has an excellent way of putting things, I think it’ll stay with me. Thank you so so much, I always look forward to your comments & blog posts Alarna. :)

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