the daily grind

Light peers through my window, casting an array of stripes on the wall.  My lab homework rests beside my arm on my desk.  Ice coffee in a mason jar tempts me to move my hand from it’s place on the keyboard.  It’s twelve forty-seven and I’m already tired.  The week begins tomorrow.
ice coffee !
These past couple of days have been filled with reminiscing and indescribable longing.

I kept finding myself living in the past, thinking about old things, what I would have done, could have done differently.  That’s the funny thing about memories, if you’re not careful they suck you in, trap you.  All of the would have could haves come and the seeds of regret are planted.

Looking back at old videos, old pictures, emotion welled up inside of me.  Would the person I was, be proud of the person I’m becoming?

I mulled over the same thoughts, over and over.  The things I didn’t do, the things I had the opportunity to and just missed it. Gave up too soon.

The past is a dangerous place.

More than anything I wanted to go back.  Enter in those agility shows, run with George.

Our journey in that sport had a funny way about it.  I prayed and prayed, learned and tried. He was more than a forgiving teammate.  Letting me learn, make mistakes.  We started out shy, failing, stressing.  But we kept progressing, years went by and we’d finally had a good run in the ring.  And then we trailed.  What I thought was a strong and good start turned out to also be the end.

Or at least, that’s the way it looks.

Some dreams just won’t go down without a fight.  The never-ending fantasy of playing agility, maybe even making it to nationals will continue to consume me until it happens.  I want to go somewhere, accomplish something.  And this is what I want.

I just wish my brain would realize that I’m not giving up.  I would be a much happier person if I could just accept that I’m only putting it on hold until the first opportunity comes.

until I can, it’s the college life.  the daily grind. a good busy life.

and I will finish this lab homework!  (and snap out of this looking-back routine)

it’s time to focus on the future now.

2 thoughts on “the daily grind

  1. Somehow I missed your blog change, god I love your writing. I know how you feel. My parents weren’t into paying for agility, or much less letting me have my own dog. When you are on your own you can do whatever you want, they said. It took awhile, and it took me working a real job while going to school, but you’ll get there. Try to relax. It sounds like exactly how I feel about my farm, if only I would have made different choices, maybe I could have already had it.

    • This blog used to be just for personal-type posts and I’ve been using it more and more since I haven’t been involved in the agility world (insert extremely sad face here). I just never directed people over because having a smaller audience is kind-of nice.
      Your compliment is huge!! Thank you so much, I don’t think I could describe how comforting your comment is. You WILL get your farm. I think too, the choices we make help shape who we become…. It’ll come. I believe it. Don’t give up :)

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