don’t even try to understand

“just find a place to take your stance, take it easy” -Jackson Browne (though if I remember correctly the Eagles said it first.)

A moment ago I was caught in a deep thought, one tiny strand of wonder that took me away from my work.  How strange it is that the mind works in these ways.   Looking away from the monitor, the papers spread around me I stretched my legs out from where I sat on the end my bed.  My back propped up against a fluffy pillow while my desk, next to me acting as a side table held all of the papers and jumbled thoughts I had been attempting to make some kind of sense of.

Why is it have I been so distant from myself lately?  Homesick, a little, perhaps. More than that I was homesick for who I was.  People spend years, sometimes even lifetimes trying to discover who they are.  What they mean to the world and how to perceive the world.   Mind you- I’ve considered myself a fairly grounded person my entire life. In fact, I’ve hardly changed.  I like all of the same things: horses, dogs, chasing seagulls on the ocean, drawing little things that can cheer me up, writing.  I can’t think of myself without these little things.  That is me, my identity.  Unintentionally I’ve never (in my whole life) strayed from these basic ideas and little joys.  Where was this mindset coming from?

Perhaps it was the lack of rain.  The annoyance of people and pattern. Routine. A small lack of adventure? The inability to bury my toes in the sand and feel the ocean breeze against my face?  These are hardly reasons.

In hard truth I lacked drive.  Where was that fire that had been lit under me for so long, compelling me to push myself to go far? I wanted to keep going.  That never-ending dream like a bribe, taunting me: so close, but so far.  What am I going for?  Where am I going?  There seemed to be no foreseeable goal.  No strong desire pushing me onward.  No purpose.

That’s my quest now.  A purpose. What compels me, drives me forward to succeed. As it stands, it seems I may have lost the way.  For now, I will continue to search and write and listen to soulful music (or something like that.)

“We may lose and we may win, but we will never be here again.”

2 thoughts on “don’t even try to understand

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