Dear God, have I failed?
Four months of trying to sort everything out and after being at an apparent loss for words for an entire four months, I’ve discovered quite possibly why. Trying to explain myself through cynical rants and the lack of a goal to orient myself with was far too simple. A miss diagnosis, perhaps. Or some sort of pain-killer to temporarily make the problem feel as though it is being resolved.
During these four months I’ve lived. Worked in a corporate setting with brilliant people, learned how freeing it is to hike to crazy waterfalls not far from my own backyard, learned how to find inspiration while putting up with being constantly “tired.” I read and read, drank coffee, wrote and drew, occasionally took some photos.
Somewhere along these past two years, it seems I have lost my way. Where was that side of me that took everything in with a childlike awe, despite how “normal” the situation might have been. That part of me that loved everything and everyone despite everything I’d seen or heard. Is it possible to run out of these feelings? Perhaps.
It seems I have a heavy heart.
Three years ago, I wrote a post “You only fail when you stop trying” (read it) I talked about gawking at those who say that you can’t achieve your dreams. Prove them wrong. I concluded to talk about my own dreams and wishes featuring some odd pictures with some awful effects. Myself, now partially refuses to believe that was me just three years ago. Strong willed and refusing to give up. I had all of the will power in the world. All of it. I wouldn’t give up on my dreams for anything or anyone.
Three days ago, I was laying in bed ill. Thinking about pride, dreams at settling. My trainer, Carrie told me, with any major life decision you must not settle. It doesn’t matter if it’s buying a house or choosing to marry someone, never settle. Know that you’re making the right decision. But how do you know?
Truthfully, you might not. It’s not something you know; rather, perhaps it is something you feel. Perhaps also, it is not uncommon at this stage in one’s life to feel an overwhelming amounts of discontent. Maybe that’s just me. I am not content with the way things are going and I am constantly questioning the direction of everything. Work. School. Sports. (I say sports for two reasons: Agility and Riding- yes I still count agility as one of my sports. I have the desires, not the means to play. I have not come all this way just to give up now.)
In the midst of all of this uncertainty, I opened my school email for the first time in a while this morning. To my pleasant surprise, it was an email from my college newspaper – in which I had recently acquired a position on the staff. It listed a description of open positions and descriptions, perhaps on any other occasion I might have even teared up. The descriptions and the processes described had been my life for a long time, that had started seven years ago.
Perhaps the email caught me up because I was starting fresh. Rebuilding myself. Maybe I had some idea that I might have just found myself again. Whatever the reason, I had something to look forward to. Something that was purely mine. Something so beautiful that I didn’t have to settle to get to. A desire, a goal, beyond what has been asked of me. I think the saying goes something along the lines of “a spark has been rekindled.” Perhaps it’s not so much about who you are, maybe it’s deciding who you want to be. Life can be so unnecessarily complicated.
I’m the only thing holding myself back.
(and some George pictures, because there can never be enough of these)