The bounty and joy in life is so simple, it is only we individuals who make it out to be so complex. College thus far has been a battle of losing myself and rediscovering myself over and over again. It’s not that I’d lost who I was, the nature of life took the very meaning away from it. All that I loved and work for/ towards seem at times so distant and unattainable. The method of school seems to drone on as and the means of those who attempt to provide advice seem to actually spiraling in a direction you never intended to end up.
I stopped writing. Desperately trying to put my thoughts together and rekindle my dreams that somehow have seemed to wilt along the way. I could feel my love (and lust) for life leaving my eyes and my heart ache for what made it beat. I missed George. I missed warm nights and Top of the World. I missed driving fast on familiar roads and smooth asphalt. I missed laughing and having time to think and process information as I got it. I missed the longing and really knowing what I wanted. Where I was going and my sense of belonging.
Go forth and have no fear.
Days I didn’t spend at the barn were the worst. The only part of this that I love and long for is being able to ride. Following a cadence, the thought process and planning. Understanding and mutual respect. These things I would not trade for the world. When I am lost, my place was here. It was all I needed to be happy, even okay with life.
I’ve heard that ignoring your passions is a slow suicide. There is truth in that more than you would know, even with the are good things along the way that keep you going. Still wishing and dreaming for those days where you could really see and understand what you wanted.
This morning I woke, feeling free and insightful. (Waking up for the barn is so much easier than waking up for class). For some strange reason I no longer felt a weight on my chest. Perhaps, circumstantially you cannot blame your present for the challenges you are faced with. That feeling, the weight removed, that was forgiveness. I am okay with where I am. Maybe I don’t know where I’m going. Maybe my dreams aren’t wilting, just buried, waiting to bloom again.